I don't wanna die, but i ain't keen on living either.
It's too late in the day to be writing a blog. I know this, yet i still sit here in front of my Laptop ready to tell people who know me and the few who have stumled here the inner workings of my psyke. Is that how you spell it? Who know's? Who cares?
It's an amaizing thing, the human mind. One day it can have you in the highest state of euphoria, and the next all you feel like doing is locking yourself away from the world and never coming out. Not so long ago I was, well, lets not dress it up... I was self harming. I had reached a stage where so much about my past had gotten to me and recent events had just broken the facade i had built up over the years. I felt emptyness. Tears would not come and there was no one around who i felt would understand, and so the pain i felt from the knife edge across my skin was a welcome from the feeling of uselessness and regret.
Of course i regret what i did now, and the scars on my arms are a grim reminder of my stupidity. I lied to people about the cuts and the scars, and for a while the lies stuck. Just last Satuday i told my mum the truth about the cuts and she said she knew. I must admit i wasn't surprised and felt good that she knew the truth.
In fact, the only person i didn't lie to was my husband. I told him why i was doing it, i told him how and i talked it over with him. He didn't understand but he listened. He offered advice with the best of his understanding and he promised to help me get over it.
I'm not over it, i don't feel like i'll ever get over it, but i haven't taken a knife to my skin in over a year and i remain adament that i won't. I have to stay strong for the people around me, the people who love me and the little baby that will depend on me being strong.
But it leaves me wondering... How can i take care of a child when i can't even take care of myself?
It's too late in the day to be writing a blog. I know this, yet i still sit here in front of my Laptop ready to tell people who know me and the few who have stumled here the inner workings of my psyke. Is that how you spell it? Who know's? Who cares?
It's an amaizing thing, the human mind. One day it can have you in the highest state of euphoria, and the next all you feel like doing is locking yourself away from the world and never coming out. Not so long ago I was, well, lets not dress it up... I was self harming. I had reached a stage where so much about my past had gotten to me and recent events had just broken the facade i had built up over the years. I felt emptyness. Tears would not come and there was no one around who i felt would understand, and so the pain i felt from the knife edge across my skin was a welcome from the feeling of uselessness and regret.
Of course i regret what i did now, and the scars on my arms are a grim reminder of my stupidity. I lied to people about the cuts and the scars, and for a while the lies stuck. Just last Satuday i told my mum the truth about the cuts and she said she knew. I must admit i wasn't surprised and felt good that she knew the truth.
In fact, the only person i didn't lie to was my husband. I told him why i was doing it, i told him how and i talked it over with him. He didn't understand but he listened. He offered advice with the best of his understanding and he promised to help me get over it.
I'm not over it, i don't feel like i'll ever get over it, but i haven't taken a knife to my skin in over a year and i remain adament that i won't. I have to stay strong for the people around me, the people who love me and the little baby that will depend on me being strong.
But it leaves me wondering... How can i take care of a child when i can't even take care of myself?
posted by Koneko-chan @ Monday, December 04, 2006
2 Comments:
At Wednesday, December 06, 2006,
ladyinpink said…
Jo ... coming clean about what happened shows that you can own up to your past and move on from it. More than this, the fact that it's been over a year since the last incident means that you CAN take care of yourself. I have every confidence that you will love and take care of your baby like nobody else could.
Can't wait until Tuesday.
Sam xx
At Saturday, December 09, 2006,
Anonymous said…
Wow. That's very heavy. I was a cutter from the time I was 15 until I was nearly 30 years old. I was an adult before I finally got some help, therapy, meds and dealt with WHY I was doing that. I am now nearly 8 years without cutting...not without the urge but without the act. I am a HS school teacher and this week, a child revealed to me that they were cutting themselves. It brought back alot for me and honestly gave me the urge to cut again...I didn't though. Because of my past, I was able to relate to this child in a way that s/he really needed and (hopefully) get them some help. Hang in there.
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