I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)

Numb - Linkin Park

So i have Tonsillitis again... Last time i had this i was about 17 and living at home with that poor excuse of a mother. Amoxicillin tablets, Anti-depressants... ugh... always takin' tablets... At least i can sorta swallow now, and kinda talk. But i'm so sleepy, i can't breath at night, i'm not sleeping, i feel like i have a head fula cotton wool and i am like... dying....

So.. things are kinda annoying me lately. I'm seeing stuff that is upsetting me and i dunno why... I'm trying to talk to my friends about it but i can't seem to say anything in the right way and end up making people mad or upsetting them or just.. generally sounding like a total dork... so i think i'm just gonna... sit on my problems and try and deal with it myself. These two people mean a hell of a lot to me and the last thing i want to do is to come across like... ugh.... i feel like since i started talking to them i've ruined everything... make things... -head/desk- N.. never mind... so.. yeah... Sick, tablets, sleepy, bed, depression.... Usual!

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream.
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean.
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright.
So I'm breaking the habit,
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight

Breaking the Habit - Linkin Park

So i wanted to post some long winded post about why i'm so fucked up and stuff that goes on in my head and all that shit... but to be honest there really is no point. I seriously have gotten to the stage now where i just... I want to say i'm at the point where i couldn't give two shits but i'm sat here worrying about what others will think about me.. which is stupid because no one ever gives a shit about what i think...

And i know there are going to be people who say they care.. and that "How can you say that" and "That's not fair you know i ....." etc etc, but unless you know exactly how i feel you're not going to understand. You guys are great and all, but... >.< It's not... It's not a long term solution to a major problem.... It's just... you guys are just..helping... not... curing... if that makes sense...

See, this is the part where everyone thinks i'm being a complete fuck and start to hate me and bitch and moan and call me two faced and... Ugh... think what you will... I just.... What ever...

Cold and frosty morning there's not a lot to say
About the things caught in my mind
And as the day was dawning my plane flew away
With all the things caught in my mind

Oasis - Don't Go Away.

So since my last update it's been... god... ages. William and Nathan are 4 and 2, William is in school... things went from bad to worse to good to okay... and now i just feel... worse again. I feel awful, because i can relate to a friends problems but i feel that if i try to talk about how i feel i'm almost... copying them or... using their bravery as an excuse to.. i dunno... latch onto the understanding they are getting from others... but seeing him be so brave and coming out and /saying/ all that stuff makes me want to sort myself out more....

Anyway, so i'm... I'm RPing again (Role playing) And it's been sorta helping... I've made friends and had a laugh, but you know.. with that comes the darker evil side of people being arses. Some nights i come off happy but some nights have had me in tears... I guess it comes with the territory...

I'm not sure what this post was hoping to achieve... i'm hoping to use this blog again to express my depression, anxiety and all that shit. Both as Kattrina and as Jo. More on that later.

Corrupt
You're corrupt
Bring corruption to all that you touch
Hold
You behold
And beholden for all that you've done
And spin
Cast a spell
Cast a spell on the country you run
And risk
You will risk
You will risk all their lives and their souls
Take a bow - Muse

I know it's been ages since i last added anything to this blog, but i wanted to post the picture above so you could see my new lil baby ^_^
I had my 20 week scan yesterday, and althought he baby had it's legs up over it's tummy and it's feet tucked under it's bottom (preventing the sight of gender) it's healthy, growing fine and wiggling around alot inside me V_V

Other than that not much has been happening. just midwife appointments and taking care of William... he's 2 on the 18th and we're taking him to Woburn Safari park ^_^

And that really really is all ^_^

Baby, season change but people don't

And i'll always be waiting in the back room,

I'm boring but overcompensate,

With Headlines and Flash Flash Flash photography.

Take over, The breaks over - Fallout Boy

Ladies and Gentlemen.... after a long long long long long (you get the drift) time i'm back, and having another sproglett XD

According to my midwife i am 9 weeks gone, and i have another appointment next wednesday. Unfortunatly it's not at my local doctors, since she's overbooked so i have to go to thorplands sure start center and wait for me number to be called. ¬_¬ Oh well...

William is 20 months old now and is growing fast. He's already got to the stage in his toddler-hood where you say no and he starts with the crocadile tears. And if you continue to ignore him or tell him no he'll throw himself on the sofa like an actor and pretend to cry more. Then he tries to sit on your lap and look at you as if to say "but i'm you're lil baby boy... love meeee"

Oh well, kris and i will just have to be strong and not give in.

So keep your eyes peeled, i'll be updating more as i go along. Info about appoinments, and baby stuff... and even how William takes to being a big brother to his lil brother or sister. ^_^

Oyasumi. ~X~

We the people fight for our existence.

We don't claim to be perfect, But we're free.

We dream our dreams alone With no resistance,

Fading like the stars we wish to be.

Oasis - Little by little.

OMG... it's been like... 4 months nearly and i've not posted... i'm sorry. V_V

So william is walking and almost talking, making noises that SOUND like Look, and doggie and dad and mum mum... It's so cute. I will be ringing a friend of mine to check if we can come over and visit cause i'm sure she'd love to see William as he grows up. OH and my friend is back from Columbia and i'd love to see how everything went ^^

Not alot is going on here at home... I'm planning the expo in october... staying for two nights again. I'm not planning on buying that much this time, unless i see a particularly awesome pushie of doom *wonders if anyone made a reno from final fantasy VII*

There really isn't much to tell... William is growing fast and is just... adorable. that's it really. lol.

As conspiracies unwind,

Will you slam shut,

Or free your mind,

or stay hypnotised.

Exo - Politics: Muse

It's been a long time comin' as the song says, but William is now... how should i put this... wobbling his way round the sitting room. Several very wobbly and excited steps have been taken in the past two days... *sighs* my little boy is growing up. *chuckles*

My dad is having a 10th anniversary do on the 5th, meaning William and 40% of his possestions shall be bundled into the car and carted down to sumerset. It sounds like it may be a good party, of course we are traveling down on the friday and coming home on the sunday *easier on Will.*

Other than that there realy is nothing to tell. Kris and i are well, life goes on as it always has. We're in talks about me going back to work, but at the moment it's not needed, which means i can spend more time taking care of the lil man.

I should be making dinner, so on that note i'm off to feed my other baby *laughs*

Sayonara.